Only God knows how hard to survive

I want to walk away with a smile..i feel like vomited..there is sumthing inside here..inside my mind, my body n soul n i really want to discard it..i'm waiting for nuthing n cry for no reason..i'm not being good..i think too much n i'm tired of it..u grow n stay in my soul peacefully n i hate to admit it..but i'm happy to say u do make me sick sumtimes..i dunno why i have to involve ..why do i hav to take such a huge risk?..i'm sorry it's all my fault..i know i'm not suppose to..i feel like a jerk..full of sins n dirts..**i cannot sleep n tell myself to forget..i promised not to worry, but still i fail to do so..i laugh n smile when u are home even when u give me a bundle of sarcastic words..i know u love us n i love u too..i may not show it that much but only God knows that..but i dun think about myself..all i care for is u, being lonely in the dark room..i want to go there..sleep beside u n hug u as tight as i can n cry together..but i know u r strong enough..u will never cry..***i talk nonsense till wee hour n make people bored..i was not answering ur question..but i wont break my promise..even when u dun want to ask anymore..promise is promise n now with no doubt i'm telling u, never a minute in my life i dun like u..as wat u told me that day 'dengan selamba' i will reply it 'dengan selamba' too.."yes, i do" (even we both lie to each other we will never know rite?)..how can i deny it when more than 50 percent of my life is being filled up with u n ur words?..it's odd to be so honest but i'm glad when i can say it with no ego..it's so strange to tell sumthing that i never told anyone before..but i dun care becoz this frenship is already weird..people wondering n people make assumption of us n i dun want to blame anyone becoz they might be true sumtimes..this is not my choice, but God gives me this, even when i pray to show me the truth if i'm wrong..it comes so naturally that i hav no idea why..but i'm not hoping n asking for anything..i'll just go with d flow and let it be as wat it supposes to b..i accept****i dun think i can survive for more years here..u cry n u suffer..u dun miss ur parents but u longing to go back..u sigh every single minutes n u effect me in so many ways..u know it does hurt me sometimes but u also know how much i care for u..i'm asking u for one thing..please wake-up n we have to gain back all the spirits n real hapiness that we used to have..i dun want to disappoint anyone especially the person i love the most..a women with a warm face that cure all my worries whenever i hear her voice, whenever she comes back from work..my darling, stop thinking n open ur eyes..i know u can do it..i will always be there only if u love urself..u hav no idea how much i force myself..control myself not to scream..not to rebel..i can do this all by myself n i'm honest with my words..but please do not push me..*****i hate this doubtful feeling n i say i want to improve..but i cannot find the right path yet..u told me last morning that ur mother knows that sumbody sumone..but i still dunno when n how..

i have no backbone right now..i hav to stand on my own feet..n i'm ready to go..i will rise n i dun care..